I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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