I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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