Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
