it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
