your parents love me but you hate me
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
