i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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