His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
