Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
