You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
