So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
