she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
