my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
