If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
