He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
