he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
