3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
