I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That accounts for only three of the penises
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
