I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
