I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so let's talk penis.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
