Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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