There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
