Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
