you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
