After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
