im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
