Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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