Your dad touched me again.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
