so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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