I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
