dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
