Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You left your phone here
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