if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
