oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
