May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
