my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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