I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
