i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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