im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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