Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
