Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
