Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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