I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
