you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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