Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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