So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
