When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
