did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
