My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
