You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
