My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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