So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
