i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
